Saturday, August 14, 2010

How I feel lately

Its been a long time since i've blogged. My imac died one day, and I never fixed it, then I tried to fix it and now it still doesn't work... hmm. Well i'm on a laptop my brother lent me, and gosh has my life changed ("in oh so many ways")... I guess I should tell my story as of lately, or since my last blog post, which was on myspace(to show how long ago it was hah) hm.. well I moved out of the apartment because I was just getting totally unorganized and not reorganized, getting totally reckless with spending money (no crazy debt or anything but just not keeping track of what I needed to save) - So, I moved back home, I had to leave Penny to live with my dear friend Joe (more to that story later).. Living at home SUCKS! Family issues make it really complicated to do what I want to do, save any money (on top of my own money screwups), or be comfortable. I need to move soo bad, but despite being here all summer I just can't get any money saved, or more importantly I need to work on putting good habits and routines in place in my life... I'm trying but its hard. On top of home bullshit, work is really burning me out more than anything else, its frustrating but that will hopefully be my drive to find something better. I guess that can be said for my entire 'situation' -- it just sucks in the moment. Time is a funny thing. Sometimes you need to remember the past, live in the present, or focus on the future, but all we really have is the present. whats that saying? the past has past, the future isnt here yet, and life is a gift thats why they call it the present? hah something like that.. I really like "the future ain't what it used to be" or something like that "the past ain't what it used to be"? Anyways this summer has been SO STRANGE, but when isn't it strange? I feel like i'm ageing every day - usually in a good 'growing' kind of way. A lot like a tree I guess. Something always grows, something always fall off.

I've grown more than I ever have this season. Hurting and healing some things. I'm getting better at understanding myself, admitting to and sometimes reshaping motives. I'm stubborn, which was really hard to admit to myself. (tweet that!) Friendships are changing. I'm learning about love from my friends and family, i'm learning how to deal with disagreement/misperceptions and communicating them more to resolve and heal some old wounds, and learning not to bend over backwards too far just to accomidate someone else's happiness - to be truer to myself and that carries across to other people in my life to be truer to themselves, then everyone is happier and atleast more whole and authentic than ever. I'm not the only one getting older. Shit happens, just like in forrest gump, you may have your foot firmly planted in dogshit and it's awful, but you keep going and you can sell bumper stickers about it later.

I'm scared that life will never get to where I want it to be, that i'm not prepared or equipped with what I need, or what I think is expected of me to have. I'm looking for a system, a routine I can run with that will get me where I want to go. I think Buddhism has helped me grow through so much, without really noticing it I guess I've had a dream the whole time, to continually become a better person. (not neccessarily a straight-line type of dream though huh?) What once was just a philosophy to read about, is now and is still becoming something to lean my virtues on, a mirror to see myself in. Its hard though, sometimes I think i'm so cool, calm and collected, and then on an average day i'm mixed up, lost, mad, frustrated, confused and lazy. Life is definitely a work in progress.

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