So life is a constant lesson... Learning and growing, failing and trying again, hating and loving, building up and starting all over. After high school I wanted to go to school forever, I can't believe I ever stopped going. In some ways I feel that school is everything if you pay attention to life. The pressures of life takes a toll on goals. At the time every compromise was a neccessity, but with each compromise my internal rule of neccessity was softened, and more and more of my dream seems to dilute in the sea of adulthood and complacent mediocrity. However, the same part of my personality that is unfirmented in a clear plan or path also then can equally fuel a drive and vision to be in constant flux, constant growth and adaptation to problems and the world around me. I hope that makes sense. I could also say that if I have the ability to focus on worrying and stressing myself out on a specific problem, I can also then choose to focus and develop my skills in handling problems in a better, smarter way to solve the problems in a way which will help me attain my goals. Sometimes a clear-cut goal is what you want, but I have the freedom of will to choose any lifestyle. I need to get off the guilt-train. I'm not here to fulfill anyone else's plans but mine. The self-imposed commitment which love sometimes brings to 'perform' or 'deliver' is not neccessarily healthy. That complex algorithm of love, ability and desire to be able is what really scrambled my mind... I moved to New Bedford because I thought I could help my family and friends... I had the right intentions, but I seemed to miss the rule that I couldn't ignore my problems and solve them at the same time, and still help the people I care about. Stress and anxiety, self-esteem and self-control, wants and needs, dreams and nightmares, love and loss, you can't avoid any of it, you can't have one without the other. The duality of life as explained by buddhism is a never ending tightrope walk. The trick is to love the shit out of tightrope walking. I've wanted to quit, i've wanted to die, but I didn't. I am alive and won't quit. In the absolutely lowest state of mind, in any situation, the scientific evidence which shows the plasticity of the human brain to adapt to solve problems in new ways gives me hope.
"Love everything as much as you can possibly love it" JM